Money, money, money

From October 5, 2010

The past three years have instilled in me a great disdain for money.

The past three years have also showed me that God will provide, no matter what.

So many times I was days from the end of the month, not knowing how I was going to pay rent.  So many days, I wondered how I possibly was going to be able to eat for the week.  And every single time, God has came through with all that I needed.  Without fail, because here I am with a roof over my head and not starving.

But money - oh, I hate it so much.  There was a moment the other day where I just realized for sure that I just can’t have a lot of it ever in my life.  Having to live off the bare minimum these past few months especially, it has changed my perspective on a lot of things, and I know how much money I need to be happy - and that’s no money at all.  Yet, I am also very excited about the prospect of earning a lot of money someday, so I can be very generous with it and just give it all away.  I just don’t want it.  I imagine it being like a hot potato, and casting it out of my hands as soon as possible.  I’m not saying to be like “Oh, look at me! I’m Miss Charity!”  I just seriously hate money so much after the ordeals I’ve gone through with it these past few years.

I didn’t even know how well off I was growing up.  I had no idea.  When people at school would call me “rich”, I’d scoff at them and debate it.  I didn’t realize that my dad drove a luxury car or my house was bigger than most.  I suppose that’s a testimony to how my parents raised me, because I had no idea.

Well, I didn’t have an idea until that all changed.  I took the lifestyle I grew up with for granted because I didn’t know how nice it actually was.  Then suddenly, the money wasn’t there.  It still isn’t there.  And that drastic shift in the state of my family’s finances put a lot of things in perspective for me.  I was never was particularly materialistic to begin with, but now I definitely see a bigger picture.  It revealed a lot about the nature of God as well as the nature of money.  And though it’s still so hard, and not just because of the contrast, I can’t help but almost feel a little grateful for experiencing what it’s to be without.  It has definitely changed my financial mindset.

It’s stressful and worrisome having to be concerned with money.  I’ve seen what a lack of it does to people.  I’ve seen what an influx of it does to people as well.  Materialism in any sense is such an acidic thing.  It eats away at you, it consumes you.  The best thing I’ve ever done (and it’s most definitely a recent development) is to not care about money at all.  God will provide, so I spend money on my necessities and know that I will always have enough to be provided for.  Eliminating the worry of “Can I really buy this, even though I need a decent meal?” has left me a lot freer.

“Now godliness with contentment is great gain.  For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out.  And having food and clothing, with these we shall be content.  But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and harmful lusts which drown men in destruction and perdition.  For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil, for which some have strayed from the faith in their greediness, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.”

I Timothy 6:6-10