About to get real honest on this one.
So here’s the deal - woke up feeling terrible because I still haven’t gotten a call for the Paramount job (and others have), and I was starting to truly believe that I never would get that call a.k.a. did not get the job.
And of course, I love to feel like I’m not susceptible to certain, common human emotions - like feeling down over stuff and feelings of low self-worth. It’s a pride thing, even though it is true to a certain extent, because I’m incredibly chill and laid back, so those things don’t tend to get to me (not to mention, I have a slew of other issues that do affect me), but that doesn’t mean I’m invincible.
So though I was touting the mantra of, “Even if I don’t get this job, that means God has something else for me - something that’s better than me”, subscribing to patience, and not jumping to conclusions, suddenly I was feeling so discouraged, frustrated, and just bad about myself. I laid in bed for about an hour after I woke up, in the midst of this intense, emotional battle - trying to keep my spirits up against a force that was weighing them down. It was a battle that I was winning yesterday, but was losing so badly today.
And I was consciously aware that it was the devil’s lies affecting me, but it was so hard not to give into them, believe them, and wallow in self-pity as sentiments of “You can never get a job. There’s something wrong with you. You’re not good enough” rolled around my head.
But since I was conscious of it, I knew that this was spiritual warfare. And I could tell myself encouraging things in an attempt to combat it all I wanted, but there’s only one fool-proof defense against spiritual warfare, and that’s God. There’s no way I could stand strong against it alone or on my own strength. Because it became very clear to me that I didn’t have much strength at all.
So I prayed…and prayed…and still felt crappy, but I kept on reaching out to God. Then realized that I needed even more ammunition, and God puts people in our lives for a reason, and I’ve been trying to fight battles on my own for too long without letting anyone else in. So I reached out to Beth to explain how I was feeling and to ask her to pray for me, too.
And immediately after I just even sent that text message, I started to feel the peace of God come over me. I could feel my emotions and heart doing a complete turn-around.
But I didn’t want to take that for granted and just figure I was good to go. So I immediately grabbed my Bible, knowing that God’s word is a great weapon against the lies of the devil and the weaknesses of the flesh. And His peace grew within me, swallowing up all of my discouragement, frustration, and every lie I was being told. Suddenly, I was able to believe those encouraging things I had been telling myself, because the Holy Spirit was confirming them. If I don’t get this job, then okay - it obviously wasn’t meant to be. I tried my best, and not getting it doesn’t mean my best wasn’t good enough. There’s no reason for me to feel bad about myself - everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, after all.
And God does have a plan for me, meaning that there is something to come that is in His plan. Something much better for me.
Just an hour after I had started praying over this, and my emotions did a complete turn around, and that’s nothing short of the grace of God. I feel at total peace over this now. I feel joyful, even. Not because of eternal circumstances, but because true joy is given by the Lord and found in Him. So whether I get a phone call today saying I got this job or a letter tomorrow saying that I didn’t, then either way, it’s totally fine. I don’t feel discouraged, frustrated, bitter or bad about self over either outcome. And I am so grateful to God that He has provided me with this peace.
I wanted to share this experience hopefully to help encourage others. Find your refuge in God when you’re feeling down or attacked. Don’t try to fight against it by yourself - seek Him out and He will come through. Surrender it all to Him, pray to Him, get other believers to pray for you, and go to His Word - I promise you that if you completely give it to Him, He will come through and give you peace. I went through a miniature ordeal this afternoon, and it’s only through Him that I am now so bright, peaceful, encouraged, and hopeful. Because just a few hours ago, I was miserable and felt so heavy. It’s crazy - God is so good. He just wants us to go to Him.
I originally wrote all of this in my journal, and this journal has either a Bible verse or a quote pertaining to spirituality on each page. After I wrote this up, I decided to see what quote and verse where on the pages I wrote on, and check this out:
“When you accept the fact that sometimes seasons are dry and times are hard and that God is in control of both, you will discover a sense of divine refuge, because the ope then is in God and not yourself.” -Charlie Swindoll
“Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!” Isaiah 30:18 NIV
How perfect is that?! It goes exactly with what I was dealing with - God is so good, y’all!
Of course, I have to stay diligent and keep on seeking Him out, even as I feel much better, because I know how sneaky the devil is, so I know relapse is possible if I’m not careful. Just as I Peter 5:8 says, “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” So pray that I continue to seek God in this, and He maintains this peace within me.
It is so tempting to just give into these negative emotions. Succumb to them and wallow in them. And I was so close to that. But when I called upon God’s strength instead of trying to depend on my own, when I reached out desperately to Him in my weakness, He lifted me up above the things that were bogging me down. He empowered my resistance and won the battle for me.
“But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
“Resist [the devil], firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To Him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.” I Peter 5:9-11
God is seriously so amazing. I have no idea where I’d be without Him, and I am so grateful for His love and grace.
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