It’s funny the way things go, right?
We always have these ideas of how we want our life to go. A lot of times, we’re determined to make our lives go that way. I’m one of those people who latch onto these images so easily, then refuse to let go. Being quite creative, imaginative, and enthusiastic - traits I’ve had since childhood and certainly haven’t gone away now - I create these epic scenarios in my mind. Down to little details, I would know exactly what I wanted, and didn’t want to settle for anything else - certainly not anything less.
And of course, that in turn became my biggest obstacle. And it took me so long - too long - to abandon that train of thinking. Not that there is anything wrong with dreaming - I will always be a dreamer. But there came a point where I had to truly realize, accept, and be totally okay with the fact that I may think I have great plans and a great way of getting there, but God knows better.
So He spent four years gradually and gently beating this out of me haha That contraction in accurate - I was so set and stubborn that the only way to get it out of me was to beat it out, but He is still so gentle, even in His hard lessons. And it’s funny because where He’s leading me is not much different than what I originally had in mine - it was just that insistence of me wanting it done my way in my time that had to go before anything could really happen.
Plus so motive-related things. Gosh, two years ago I was practically in agony because I was not famous. I would do this ridiculous thing where I would just pray “Tomorrow, God, please tomorrow” - thinking He’d suddenly make one of my youtube videos go viral, and I’d be set. And it’s amazing and funny how much I’ve grown in just two years, because I look back on that and just shake my head. A little amused, finding my former self to be so foolish. To put such a time limit on God instead of just letting Him work in my life in His perfect timing.
But even more foolishly - to want fame so badly! And to try to justify it. I mean, I know my motives were good at heart - I wanted to be a good influence. A Christian taking a stand in Hollywood. To make everyone laugh and feel. And those are good things, but they were rooted in this desire to be famous. I be seen and well known, and all sorts of prideful things that are a measure of worldly success. And even if my “motivation” for fame kept getting better and better, it was still never something I should’ve wanted that badly, or even at all.
And it’s just amazing to see where I am now. I went from “I want to be famous” to “I want to be famous, but for God” to “Being famous wouldn’t be bad, but that’s not my aim” to “I really don’t want to be famous.” Not to say I don’t sometimes struggle with such desires - I honestly love attention: that’s just my personality. But what good is worldly recognition? I don’t want to the world to recognize me - I want them to recognize my God.
And I still have all the aspirations of being a filmmaker, a writer, a comedic rapper, etc - but God has truly done work in my heart that fame is not at all apart of that equation. Of course I want as many people to experience my work as possible - but so God can use it to touch their lives. I don’t even care if my name’s attached to it - this is not about me. It’s all about Him. About sharing His love with people.
And that’s what I should want more than anything. That should be the driving force. Fame is fleeting. So fleeting. So superficial, so meaningless. I just want to do what I love for the rest of my life and be able to share God’s love through it. That’s all. If God uses me fully to do that, and no more than 10 people know my name - it’s fine.
And I really think that’s the point I needed to be at before God could really work in my life. To surrender all these worldly desires. To stop holding so dearly to these exact plans. To give everything in my life to Him - holding it out and saying, “Here God - use in whatever way You want, however You want, at whatever time you want. You know what’s best for me, You know the desires of my heart, You know how to best use these talents You’ve blessed me with, and when these things should happen - so it’s all in Your control.”
I’ve been trying to get to Los Angeles forever. I just knew I was being called there - inexplicably at first when I was sixteen and didn’t even have entertainment industry related aspirations yet. Then once I decided I want to be do film, I wanted to go to college out there - ended up in New York instead. Tried again after my freshman year in college, only to be foiled, and ever since there, sometimes more than others, there was just an aching for California. Sometimes all I wished was to be out there. Other times, I was so scared I’d never get it.
But finally, I just truly surrendered it to God. Prayed over it, of course, but understood that He may very well not want me out there - and if He did, it could be years. But hey, wouldn’t you know, on Saturday I’m finally get out there. Everything has come together so perfectly in ways that it never did in my previous attempts - I know that I was so right at sixteen. And now here we are.
I’m excited, of course. Happy. But mainly, I’m at total peace. And that’s the best feeling to have. God has brought me so far - to see this journey of just the past four years, I can’t wait to see what He does in the next however long I may live.
Gosh, He’s so good. So so good.
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