From December 15, 2008
It's interesting, though, because growing up in religion, there are certain statements constantly thrown at you - so much, in fact, that it is sadly almost as meaningless as the lyrics of a Lil Wayne. I know the words, but do I really delve deep into meaning every time I quote, "Shawty want to hump, you know I like to touch those lovely lady lumps"? Do they resound with me, do they define my life, even though I listened to that song so many times over the summer? No, of course not. The lyrics mean nothing to me, and I cannot relate to them, for I've never touched a lady lump, nor do I want to touch a lady lump, and as I repeat those lyrics, the farthest thing from my mind is a lady lump. It has just become meaningless habit. Lyrics that have sound, but not much else.
It can be that way with the Word of God. There are all these verses that I've memorized, without even knowing just because I've heard them so much when growing up. Not even just verses, but phrases - "Jesus loves you", "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me", and we all accept these as truths, but have we ever really dissected the full extent of what these things mean?
I have. Half-heartedly, without even knowing. I've taken much solace before in the simple fact that Jesus loves me, but what I had been ignoring was what that love truly means. I could think of the person who I love the most and that love would not even compare.
I began the year plagued - teetering in between confusion and guilt. It was either "I'm a fool, because I thought I heard God, but I really didn't" or "I was too much of a pussy to follow God's plan", and I couldn't stand the emotions that accompanied that. I felt so distant from God, and I took the full brunt of the blame. I knew He was trying to reach out to me, I could vaguely hear him calling, but I couldn't accept, because louder to me than His voice was my own, reiterating how much of a failure I was, and how disappointed God must have been in me.
I couldn't tell you when it happened. I slowly was beginning to feel God again, and then at once, I realized. No, I didn't realize - I finally opened my ears, and opened my heart, and heard what God was trying to tell me the entire time. "Forget your shortcomings, forget your mistakes - it doesn't matter, because I love you."
And suddenly, it wasn't like God was staring down condescendingly at me, disappointed in my blunders, but He was smiling down encouragingly at me, with a smile warmer than any of us could possibly ever dream to muster.
Now I always knew that God loves me. But for once, I realized just exactly what it means. It means that when I fall short, He is not exasperatedly sighing, He is not rolling His eyes - He does not want me to feel guilty or inferior, but instead He is patient. He is not angry, He is not keeping a record of my wrongs, though I was consumed by them each day - He is everything that that verse in I Corinthian says, because God is love.
And that's when my burdens disappeared, and I was able to return to that intimacy with God that I so longingly craved.
