New perspective suddenly. I knew God had to be trying to tell me something this weekend. I’m struggling to find what. Bringing up all these emotions that I didn’t even know I still had or were prone to…what’s the deal with that?
I guess one thing He’s trying to say is that I’m not complete. Not that I ever thought I am, but I do know that I tend to get complacent when things are going good. I look at my life and feel satisfied sometimes, because some of these issues that people struggle with - that’s not me. I have issues, of course, but not any of those. No, not at all.
Wrong, of course. And even if I was better off than others (which I’m not), it’s not others in which I’m setting my standards against. It’s Jesus. And fact of the matter is, I am no where near Him in my behavior, action, attitude. Even my best days fall infinitely short of His glory.
And I think maybe God’s trying to show me that. This bitterness, this anger - I’ve been hurt and I can honestly say it was undeserving and not my fault, so it’s justifiable. I don’t think God’s telling me that I shouldn’t be upset. I think God’s telling me that even when I’ve been scorned, it takes something special to look at my offender and still say, “I love you.” To say, “Yeah, you’ve hurt me, but I’m gonna move past that and not bear any ill-will against you.” That’s what He would do. That’s what He does every day. We hurt him so much with things we do, the way we live our life, but all He ever does is look at us and say, “I love you.”
I thought I was strong enough to forgive. I’m not. True forgiveness, I’m starting to see, means forgetting. I’m not there yet. I’m not sure when I’ll ever be there. I know God’s working on me. He’s still healing me. And I don’t think He expects me in this moment to be able to set aside all of my pain and wounds, to forget trespasses made against me, and rise to the occasion with unconditional love and true forgiveness. These things take time and understandably so. A deep wound doesn’t heal in a second - it’s a long process. He knows I’m weak and still so tender and hurting more than I’ve hurt in awhile. But I think He wants me to keep that in mind. And work towards it.
It brings a little clarity to things. A little. He’s building me up, I can feel it. And I know even when I don’t understand, when I can’t see the light, that God’s there with everything under control. If there’s one thing I’ve especially learned recently, it’s that God knows what He’s doing and that He can redeemed any situation.
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