Forgiveness

From June 4, 2011

Oh, you have no idea how tempting it is.  So so tempting to call out someone on their crap on their facebook wall for everyone to see.  It’s that tiny little part of me from high school that has died enough that I won’t ever do that, but still lives enough for it to be tempting, to make the thought of it so satisfying.

Jesus wouldn’t do that, though.  In fact, such an action is the opposite of forgiveness.  Because it’s one thing to chastise a person privately in order to help them improve - to do so in a humble and loving fashion.  But obviously that would not be my motive at all.  It would be in some vain, bitter-influenced attempt to get some remorse out of this person.  To make them feel bad, to expose and embarrass them and at the heart of it, a little bit of vengeance.  Pay back to make that person feel some of the hurt that I had been feeling.

And I hate that there’s a little bit of that in me, even if I would never act out on such urges.  Most days I don’t want to - I let the Spirit fill me and influence not just my actions, but my perspective and feelings, and I can feel Jesus’ love, grace, mercy, and kindness sincerely manifesting itself within me.

But there’s moments like these where I just want there to be retribution.  But I’ve been down the path where I’ve indulged in such emotions and acted out on them before, and I’d be a liar to say it didn’t feel good in the moment - but what does that eventually accomplish?  It’s love that makes a difference in this world, and such an action is in direct opposition of love.

Even a vague bitter allusion to the situation at hand in facebook statuses - not only is it not worth it, it’s not right.  As a Christian, I have to believe wholeheartedly in the merit of forgiveness.  Even when the person doesn’t ask.  Even when person isn’t sorry or doesn’t think they’re in the wrong.  I have to have a merciful heart, regardless.  It’s hard to always keep ahold of that, but when I manage - it feels so much better than bitterness, revenge and anger.

It’s a lesson God’s teaching me over and over again.  Forgiveness - how that ties into love and compassion.  Last night I felt it so strongly - His presence washing over me, letting me tap into his ocean of grace.  I felt no bitterness in my heart in that moment, no urge for revenge, none of the pain - just forgiveness and the power to forget.

It carried on into day mostly until things crept up a little again, hence the start of this post.  But you know, writing through it is helping me get back to where I need to be in my heart.  God will use some many things to set a person straight - including themselves.  And you know, maybe I haven’t gotten the closure I initially wanted from all of this, but I definitely think there’s closure to be found.  Because last night, so clearly God was telling me - “Don’t worry about the friend you lost, because look at the friends you still have that I have given you.”  How can I be so caught up on this when God has allowed me to retain the best friends in the world?

So it comes full circle, and I realize that above it all, I am so blessed.  Do I still miss old friendships?  Of course.  Am I still confused about the situation?  Oh definitely.  But it doesn’t matter.  Whatever it is I had in my past served its purpose for the appropriate season.  And if there’s another season in the future - then so be it.  But if not - then so be it as well.  I just know that I am so blessed to have a best friend who I’ve known since I was seven, who’s been there through practically all of it.  The one who’d show up at my basketball games when no one else would, who was there through my parents’ divorce, through me wanting to drop out of college, who kept trying when our own friendship was having its problems and I was being kind of a douche about it, through every little up and down - I’ve had a constant that I know a lot of people don’t have.  The term “best friend” gets thrown around so much for the most trivial and fleeting of affairs, but I can truly say that I have a best friend.  Actually, I have more than just one, which makes it all the more amazing.  And I can’t wait to see the story God creates in the years to come with my other best friend.

So to feel frustrated, hurt, bitter, and angry over one friendship gone wrong - to let it affect my peace, to let it get in the way of my pursuit of living out Christ-like values in my life…you know, it’s just not worth it when I have invaluable, amazing friendships which I am so so so sure will not crash and burn.  Friends to the end, and then some, thanks to this eternal life business.

And you know, I’m really grateful for the friendships I had that I have no longer.  For the purpose these served and the good times we had.  It’s just…it’s not worth being anything but grateful, because God is so amazing.  And really, I just want everyone to see and experience in that with me.  His love has slowly transformed me from someone so bitter months ago, to someone finding their complete peace in all of this.

And you know, He’s the greatest Friend of all.  Gosh, how can I ever feel alone?  I can’t.  It’s a great thing right now in this moment to realize that wow - I really have it all.  I have the love of Jesus within me - I have it all.  It’s the case for all of us who have Jesus, you know?

So I guess what I’m saying is - don’t get caught up on the things bringing you pain and tribulation.  Because I guarantee you somewhere there is something that offsets that pain, that will bring great joy.  That’s what I realized more than ever last night as I briefly thought about estranged friendships after I spent a night hanging with and talking to my best friend for a few hours.  Losing a friend just really highlighted the wonderful blessings I do have in my life.  And because of that, I can’t be bitter, because, well, like I said, I have it all.  I don’t want to be angry.  I just want to be genuinely loving.

That’s all.