I want to introduce you to this new person I’ve been becoming. Well, let’s take the emphasis off of me - that God’s been shaping me into.
It’s all subtle, of course. People who have been with me the whole time probably won’t notice too much of a difference. Like when you never realized how much your brother has changed until you see a picture of him from two years ago and you realize all that transformation has gone on right in front of your eyes.
But it’s there. And with me, I can feel it more than anything. The nature of my journal entries. The thoughts I have. My intentions. My struggles, in comparison to what they used to be. They’re new ones, which just means that God’s allowed me to overcome the old ones. And I’m at a stronger point in which I can handle these new challenges which will just allow me to grow even more.
I’ll tell you that October 4, 2007, I decided that I wanted to be famous.
I’ll also tell you that June 8, 2011, I don’t want to be famous at all.
The thought of being a celebrity - disgusting. But it’s amazing, because the same passions, ambitions, and everything else I’ve had since I was barely eighteen - they just revolve around something else. Because I could’ve said all I want that my aim for fame was set in my Christian faith, but fact of the matter is, I was justifying is “I want to be famous so I can glorify God” when it all actuality, it should have been “I want to glorify God.”
And writing about and dwelling on this last night, I came to a conclusion - it’s not fame that I want, but influence. And it’s still such a fine line between a worldly desire and a Godly one, but so much in me wants to creative amazing things that will touch people in the right way, that they’ll be able to see the love of God through, that will bring the world closer to Him. And though I don’t care to become a household name, I would love for my work to be in every household. Because I want my work to be inspired by and saturated by God, and I want God to be in every household.
And it’s taken years for God to slowly drive me to this point. Struggles, disappointment, and confusion. It was a hard lesson to learn, a hard viewpoint to change. But looking back, it’s amazing to see this gradual progressive that the Lord has brought me through. He took this selfish, worldly desire of mine and changed it completely for Him. I craved fame because of this innate quality of mine that loves attention. Then I became aware that if I was famous, then I might as well use it for God. The fame thing died down a little then came back into full resurgence two years ago - at actually a relatively strong point in my walk with God that summer, I became obsessed with the idea of being a famous Christian. I thought it was noble.
But even with something so seemingly “pure” - it was still eating at me in the worst way, all the days I went without it. And I could never seem to learn how to be content where I was and to trust in God’s timing. But last summer - things really started to set in. And that’s when fame fell out of the equation - or at least I stopped saying that I wanted to be famous. Truly I was no longer aiming for it, but part of me still wouldn’t mind if that happened. A part of me I kind of swept aside still did want it, but it was far from the focus. And all I ever wanted to do was still there - make films, so sketch comedy, and perform raps. But the intent and motive was slowly being transformed.
Bringing me to this moment. There is a lot that the past six months have entailed. Ups and downs - mainly downs that eventually slowly went up ahead to an amazing up where my life is more or less the exact same as it was in February, yet somehow much better. And there is no doubt in my mind that I still have so much more to grow, but it’s amazing to see how much I have grown since I officially became an “adult.” And I was so confident in my maturity when I turned eighteen, but retrospectively I see that I wasn’t even close.
And I’m not close now, but it really doesn’t matter, because man, I have the greatest Ally in the world on my side, constantly forming me. And the lessons He’s been teaching me are invaluable. Mostly, the thing He’s been trying to instill within me for years - patience and trust in His timing. And it’s no coincidence that the moment that lesson finally begins to really set in is when things start to move forward. I mean, I bought a freakin’ one way ticket to Los Angeles last night! Back when I was eighteen, I was so sure that God was calling me to Los Angeles. I tried to buy a plane ticket, even got a job, but everything fell through. And now three years later, I don’t even have a job yet God’s blessed me with the means to go forth with it. It just goes to show that He was calling me to Los Angeles - it was just a matter of timing.
So you know, the future is bright, solely because God is involved. He’s teaching me to embrace everything - the uncertainties, the long periods of waiting, the frustrations, because there’s a purpose and solution behind them all. I have no idea what’s going to happen with that plane touches down on the West Coast in less than three months. I know what my dreams are made up of, but I know that God has greater plans than I could ever imagine. He’s revealed some things to me - I have a general direction, but all in all, the canvas is blank, and that is amazing. There’s this amazing peace in involved in just giving every little thing to God. To not let the things of this world influence or effect me, but rather surrender everything I have to Him, because, well, it’s His to begin with And the makeover He’s been giving my perspective is just amazing. I feel so renewed. I feel a little better suited for the what He has for me.
And I feel so grateful for all the waiting I’ve been doing. The hard six months, the up and downs of the past few years, because I see now how necessary that really was. God wants me to succeed, but He wants me to be well suited for His plans and will. He doesn’t want to throw me out into the battle unprepared, and these past few years have been preparation. And I don’t even know if I’m there yet, but I know I’m so much closer than I ever have been. And it’s just…God is amazing. He really is.
So I’m approaching my life with a new perspective. Total trust and faith in God. A reordering of priorities. A mission to strive to treat everyone with complete love and compassion, no matter who they are or what they’ve done for me, and to share with them the love and gospel of Jesus. And a willingness to do everything to serve God’s purpose and glorify His will. I am thoroughly convinced that that is what life is to be. And I feel so free, happy and at peace because of it.
I hope people reading this can pull some encouragement from my on-going journey. To know that God’s constantly working in our lives and in who we are, even if it doesn’t seem like it. To have confidence that His timing is absolutely the best. And the thing I wish I would’ve realized the most as I went through this all - things go much easier and smoother if you’re not resisting it. But that probably goes without saying.
God bless!
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